Eyes Opening

What comes with knowledge? Responsibility.

The first week of October marks the beginning of language class. A local professor will come to the farm as an adjunct teacher, for foreigners wanting to study the native tongue. Soon I’ll be able to communicate. Knowledge will be entrusted to me, and then I’m relying on Love to compel me to make use of it. “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says” James 1:22.

Quite frankly, life here got boring incredibly quickly. After the goodbyes back home, the anticipatory flight, greeting my new co-workers and being shown to my new room-the starting place for each day’s adventures-the mundane set in. Mon.-Fri., 9-4, just me and the two kids, alone in a big room. I watch them go through their workbooks and chime in every so often, to answer a question or offer guidance.
Leaves me with lots of time to think (uh oh. Beware: heat and pressure may cause combustion). Without delay, I began to analyze everything about life here. Is this what I came here to do? Is this worth all the time, energy, and resources? Am I a part of the right team? Are we even on the same page? And, what page are we supposed to be on? Is all my work worth anything if I’m not enjoying it at the end of the day, and I’m miserably doing it out of obligation? (Read Ecclesiastes and you’ll get a better sense of all that was going through my head).

Time. Patience. Perseverance. Progress. I’m still figuring out what those words have in common.  I’m SURE there’s something.

So, what am I doing here? Teaching, yes. Thankfully, the little I’m able to do without LA skills is valuable to this family. I’m also learning the language… one word at a time. My body is adjusting to the diet here. I’m realizing that community can be both a curse word and a blessing, depending on what you make of it. Slowly, uncertainly, cautiously, I’m figuring out what to do with so many different opinions, values and ideas, all in one little Body, living on one little farm. Independence? Try vying for that quality when you’re seeking unity, peace and understanding. Ain’t gonna work. Self-glorification doesn’t work either.
Being part of a collective community takes a whole lot of adjusting and re-adjusting. It takes effort.
It’s worth it though, in the end. Helps me sleep at night. Probably helps others sleep at night. Helps me navigate my day, my conversations and my interactions; it calibrates my heart. Aren’t those the components that make up life?
So, I’m learning to live, apparently.  

I’m learning what’s important and what’s not worth making a fuss about. I’m trying to figure how the locals keep smiling. I’m watching history repeat itself, as precautions are taken to keep us from being seen together in certain public places. I experience outsiders going into a foreign land to “serve,” and in turn, the 1621 Thanksgiving scene repeats itself. I’m wondering if Michael Jackson had as big a scare as I did, to bring him to that realization about the man in the mirror. Who knew a reflection could be so disturbing?

So, what’s keeping me here? Get ready for the cliché, but painfully true, answer.
Faith-that He’ll bless these people, because I am sure that He loves them.
Hope-that He’ll use me and, in the process, I’ll come out more like Him, because of His love for me.
Love. His love. It started things, it sustains things; the reward is love. Love is everything. 

Dirty Sinner

     Yes, I'm talking 'bout me.

     Yes, after 23 yrs, I just realized [realize: 1. to grasp or understand clearly 2. to make real; give reality to] this week that, the only way I'm able to talk with God, learn from God, be near to God is, because Jesus has given me passage into His presence that I did not qualify for (think concert... no money, no ticket, your favorite artist singles you out of the crowd waiting outside, pays your way in, VIP, and chats it up with you before and after, like you're old friends).

     See Romans 5.

     Two weeks ago, without my knowledge, I was signed up for spiritual boot camp ;) By The Man Himself- couldn't stand how out of shape I was any longer! "For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." 1 Timothy 4:8

     It goes down like this: an acquaintance of mine comes to stay with us for a few days (to my knowledge, just needing a roof over her head). Right away, the Lord begins to reveal how selfish and awful my heart is. So immediately, I shaped up and am a stronger more beautiful person today for it :)
...ha, if only. I pulled the whole, "who are you to tell me" attitude, the "this is my life, don't come in here...," and even whined and whined about the discomfort, asking Him if we could PLEASE be finished. I was not prepared to have someone dropped into my life, who would act dependent on me. I'm single for goodness sake! Let me enjoy it!

     But, I couldn't get away from the lessons He intended to teach me. Every time I looked at a cross, this is what I heard:
"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command..." 

How did my lovely heart respond?

"...GOD! You're asking too much! I'm just trying to live my own peaceful life here! ugh. You meant what You said about actually loving my neighbor as myself...? :/" Lucky for me, God is determined and is a very patient, long-bearing teacher. Regarding His instructions He says, "so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it" Isaiah 55:11. 

Oh. That verse applies to me too. 

     I could write pages and pages more on the past two weeks and what He's been trying to drill into me, but here's a poem-y thing to sum it up instead ;)

i am a child, stubborn and resistant,
an idiot who focuses on the "sacrifice" You ask i give, 
when on the other end there's a promise that You're sure to give.
But do I see it? 
Do I see the good?
Nope. 
Too busy asking why and if i could.
It's too much- what You expect of me!
...but Your burden is light and Your yoke is easy
Words from the mouth of a Man who cannot lie.
Cast your cares on Me!!!
Then WHY am i still carrying them?! (A: 'cause i'm a stubborn idiot who won't let go)
What a foolish child i see when i look into this mirror set in front of me.
Refining fire you've brought,
so i can be cleaned.
When the 3 stood in front of that blazing pit,
did they whine and cry, 
"we can't handle this! 
Surely we'll melt. 
Surely we'll die" ?
No. 
'Cause they listened to Your words and knew the Power standing by.
They should've died
They would've died-
couldn't take the heat.
But things don't make sense with You and we make it through these feats.
Not 'cause we did [do: 1. to perform (an act, duty, role, etc.) 2. to execute (a piece or amount of work)], 
as if we worked and we perfected. 
But simply, we believed The One who has sent us
and kept us
The One who is faithful and true and is walking me through.

What does He follow up Isaiah 55:11 with? 
"You will go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
    will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
    will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
    and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
    for an everlasting sign,
    that will endure forever" (vs.12-13).

<3 
Yep, it's gonna be worth it. 
Press on, my friends. 
Carry on, Jesus.

Here's a bonus for ya- listen to it! :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49x_h4CbZxs