Eyes Opening

What comes with knowledge? Responsibility.

The first week of October marks the beginning of language class. A local professor will come to the farm as an adjunct teacher, for foreigners wanting to study the native tongue. Soon I’ll be able to communicate. Knowledge will be entrusted to me, and then I’m relying on Love to compel me to make use of it. “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says” James 1:22.

Quite frankly, life here got boring incredibly quickly. After the goodbyes back home, the anticipatory flight, greeting my new co-workers and being shown to my new room-the starting place for each day’s adventures-the mundane set in. Mon.-Fri., 9-4, just me and the two kids, alone in a big room. I watch them go through their workbooks and chime in every so often, to answer a question or offer guidance.
Leaves me with lots of time to think (uh oh. Beware: heat and pressure may cause combustion). Without delay, I began to analyze everything about life here. Is this what I came here to do? Is this worth all the time, energy, and resources? Am I a part of the right team? Are we even on the same page? And, what page are we supposed to be on? Is all my work worth anything if I’m not enjoying it at the end of the day, and I’m miserably doing it out of obligation? (Read Ecclesiastes and you’ll get a better sense of all that was going through my head).

Time. Patience. Perseverance. Progress. I’m still figuring out what those words have in common.  I’m SURE there’s something.

So, what am I doing here? Teaching, yes. Thankfully, the little I’m able to do without LA skills is valuable to this family. I’m also learning the language… one word at a time. My body is adjusting to the diet here. I’m realizing that community can be both a curse word and a blessing, depending on what you make of it. Slowly, uncertainly, cautiously, I’m figuring out what to do with so many different opinions, values and ideas, all in one little Body, living on one little farm. Independence? Try vying for that quality when you’re seeking unity, peace and understanding. Ain’t gonna work. Self-glorification doesn’t work either.
Being part of a collective community takes a whole lot of adjusting and re-adjusting. It takes effort.
It’s worth it though, in the end. Helps me sleep at night. Probably helps others sleep at night. Helps me navigate my day, my conversations and my interactions; it calibrates my heart. Aren’t those the components that make up life?
So, I’m learning to live, apparently.  

I’m learning what’s important and what’s not worth making a fuss about. I’m trying to figure how the locals keep smiling. I’m watching history repeat itself, as precautions are taken to keep us from being seen together in certain public places. I experience outsiders going into a foreign land to “serve,” and in turn, the 1621 Thanksgiving scene repeats itself. I’m wondering if Michael Jackson had as big a scare as I did, to bring him to that realization about the man in the mirror. Who knew a reflection could be so disturbing?

So, what’s keeping me here? Get ready for the cliché, but painfully true, answer.
Faith-that He’ll bless these people, because I am sure that He loves them.
Hope-that He’ll use me and, in the process, I’ll come out more like Him, because of His love for me.
Love. His love. It started things, it sustains things; the reward is love. Love is everything. 

Dirty Sinner

     Yes, I'm talking 'bout me.

     Yes, after 23 yrs, I just realized [realize: 1. to grasp or understand clearly 2. to make real; give reality to] this week that, the only way I'm able to talk with God, learn from God, be near to God is, because Jesus has given me passage into His presence that I did not qualify for (think concert... no money, no ticket, your favorite artist singles you out of the crowd waiting outside, pays your way in, VIP, and chats it up with you before and after, like you're old friends).

     See Romans 5.

     Two weeks ago, without my knowledge, I was signed up for spiritual boot camp ;) By The Man Himself- couldn't stand how out of shape I was any longer! "For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." 1 Timothy 4:8

     It goes down like this: an acquaintance of mine comes to stay with us for a few days (to my knowledge, just needing a roof over her head). Right away, the Lord begins to reveal how selfish and awful my heart is. So immediately, I shaped up and am a stronger more beautiful person today for it :)
...ha, if only. I pulled the whole, "who are you to tell me" attitude, the "this is my life, don't come in here...," and even whined and whined about the discomfort, asking Him if we could PLEASE be finished. I was not prepared to have someone dropped into my life, who would act dependent on me. I'm single for goodness sake! Let me enjoy it!

     But, I couldn't get away from the lessons He intended to teach me. Every time I looked at a cross, this is what I heard:
"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command..." 

How did my lovely heart respond?

"...GOD! You're asking too much! I'm just trying to live my own peaceful life here! ugh. You meant what You said about actually loving my neighbor as myself...? :/" Lucky for me, God is determined and is a very patient, long-bearing teacher. Regarding His instructions He says, "so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it" Isaiah 55:11. 

Oh. That verse applies to me too. 

     I could write pages and pages more on the past two weeks and what He's been trying to drill into me, but here's a poem-y thing to sum it up instead ;)

i am a child, stubborn and resistant,
an idiot who focuses on the "sacrifice" You ask i give, 
when on the other end there's a promise that You're sure to give.
But do I see it? 
Do I see the good?
Nope. 
Too busy asking why and if i could.
It's too much- what You expect of me!
...but Your burden is light and Your yoke is easy
Words from the mouth of a Man who cannot lie.
Cast your cares on Me!!!
Then WHY am i still carrying them?! (A: 'cause i'm a stubborn idiot who won't let go)
What a foolish child i see when i look into this mirror set in front of me.
Refining fire you've brought,
so i can be cleaned.
When the 3 stood in front of that blazing pit,
did they whine and cry, 
"we can't handle this! 
Surely we'll melt. 
Surely we'll die" ?
No. 
'Cause they listened to Your words and knew the Power standing by.
They should've died
They would've died-
couldn't take the heat.
But things don't make sense with You and we make it through these feats.
Not 'cause we did [do: 1. to perform (an act, duty, role, etc.) 2. to execute (a piece or amount of work)], 
as if we worked and we perfected. 
But simply, we believed The One who has sent us
and kept us
The One who is faithful and true and is walking me through.

What does He follow up Isaiah 55:11 with? 
"You will go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
    will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
    will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
    and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
    for an everlasting sign,
    that will endure forever" (vs.12-13).

<3 
Yep, it's gonna be worth it. 
Press on, my friends. 
Carry on, Jesus.

Here's a bonus for ya- listen to it! :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49x_h4CbZxs

Grace

Crazy week.
God grabbed me and took me on a surprise "field trip" (phrase credit to Naomi Galvan) that involved a few stops with lessons prepared that I HAD to learn, apparently haha. I walked aboard the bus, unknowingly. He buckled up, looked in the rear-view with a knowing smile, and HIT the throttle.

Change.

Beginning of the month, our pastor and worship leader moved to another town for good.
I stopped teaching 9th graders on Sunday mornings and joined an adult Bible fellowship instead.

Moved twice in the past month.

Decided I'm going to step back from a lot of the "good" things I'm involved in so that I can go full time at Lowe's. Due to availability, will no longer be doing the weekly Bible study with internationals or the weekly community group.
Scary.
Is this what I'm supposed to be doing God?! Focusing all my time and energy where my heart is, with my co-workers?

Won't be working with my sweet babies at KDO (church preschool) anymore. That's scary too. I love them to death and treasure my time with babies, since I don't have any of my own yet.

Store manager at Lowe's left. Got a new one. ASM at Lowe's left. Got a new one. Tons of employees followed and left. Didn't get new ones...
Shorthanded and overwhelmed, knowing in the back of my mind that I'm about to move positions too. And to top it off, after a long night, I find out that two people I respect were just demoted, while I'm about to be promoted. Awful feeling.

... So I broke down. Tears. Snot. No trace left of mascara lol... and the theme through it all was: Grace. From Jason Hatch's sermon, "He gives us grace upon grace. Grace in TRUTH." He knows us, and still CHOOSES to show us grace. To help. To sustain. To love. To give all that we need. To BE all that we need.

Even in our shorhandedness at work, my team was there to lend a helping hand. Management never once expected more than I could give, though goals were not being met. Grace.
Leaders at KDO offered full support for wherever the Lord would lead me, affirming my ministry with the kids, yet lovingly letting me go. Grace.

So, I'm on the floor, pleading with the Lord to help me stop crying, to calm me, to talk sense into me! (So my eyes won't be all puffy for work ;) ) and what do I realize??
I'm weak. Can't even control my own body's emotions.
He sustains the whole world- doesn't once forget or struggle to make sure everyone has breath.
Humbled.
This is EXACTLY where You want me! haha! You oppose the proud and give GRACE to the humble (James 4:6). You PUT me in the perfect position to receive your grace! Surprisingly, I'm grateful! I see, I feel, I am experiencing, that I cannot do this in my own strength.
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but rather painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of RIGHTEOUSNESS and PEACE [I want that! I need that!] for those who have been trained by it" Hebrews 12:10-12.
There's hope!
And I know that You have said that it's in my weakness that You are lifted high :) Isn't that what we've been desiring? That Your name would receive praise and honor and glory? The means may not be comfortable! I may not necessarily like it! But I know that this "thorn" in my side will be used for my good and for Your glory, if You choose not to remove it.

Crazy emotional roller coaster!
Well worth it.

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28

Enough

Going for what I thought was a dream, I laid it all out on the line.
Told them my strengths, my struggles, my hurts, and waited to hear their reply. 

Not ready. 
We suggest...
Try again in some time.

Answered prayer.
Hard nonetheless.
Shot to my pride.
Hurt and confused.
Am I such a mess?
Feeling a bit defensive,
but knowing I do have work to do.
Crying one minute.
Thanking You the next,
with tears still in my eyes.

"The plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations" Psalm 33:11.

Acknowledging I'm not perfect and never will be.
I thank You, Father, for remembering I'm from dust.
Thank You for giving me more grace,
accepting me as I am,
idiosyncrasies and all.

Remembering the truth of Your love.
That YOU called me to come adventure with You :)
You said I was enough.
Not, "Do this, then maybe."
But, unconditional love.

I've asked too much of others.
Held things over their heads.
God, help me to forgive
and leave room for HUMANITY, mistakes and failures we don't plan.
We try to keep it all together in a world that is spinning,
not realizing that...
we won't ever be ready in the sceptic's eyes.
Thank goodness I'm not living to please men, and that I get to be Your friend <3
They feel the pressure too.
The weight of the world saying, "Do this and that.
You're not enough, not now, not like that."
Who will believe in us and give us a chance?
When our dreams we look at like a dying romance...

Before time I chose you, I chose them, had this plan.
Though you can't see what's next, My plan, it still stands.
Ask and I'll give the nations to you.
Not an empty promise.
These words remain true.

For My Brothers

Your tears overwhelm my heart.
I’m filled with gratitude when I hear the silent messages they convey.

Forget what people say.

Your tears show strength.

I see love pouring from your eyes.

I find comfort in your tears, as I know you’re where you need to be.
You’ve been listening to our Father.
He’s making His heart one with yours.

Your tears are full of life.

They show you’ve been to war.
God led you through the horrors.

Now, with tears we go to battle; with prayers and petitions we’ll prepare.
We buckle the belt of Truth tight around our waists.

Grab the sword of the Spirit, which brings freedom in this place.

And when we’re growing weary, there’ll be no shame in letting tears fall.

For God gives grace to the humble and answers us when we call.

There is safety in your tears.
I know we’re on the same side.
Brother, friend, soldier- in your heart I can confide.

So, I thank God for the tears rolling down your face

Scrunched up in sincerity as we share an embrace.

I don’t take delight in a stone hard face, set without emotion.

For that only puts distance

Where your tears have brought closeness.

Yes, I thank God for your tears, because they’re filled with hope and promise.
He looks on you with favor- contrite and trembling at His Word.
Grow in strength, my brother.

Our prayers have been heard.

And when they come against you,

Saying your tears mean other things,
Don’t close your heart to preserve some pride or harden it in anger.

Remember, Jesus wept- the strongest of us all.

So don’t hold back in fear.

Please let your tears fall.

Heaven saves your tears in jars.

Oh, they must be precious.

They surely are to me, for He’s brought beauty up from ashes.

Throwing Stones at the Perfect One

Got through the first chapter and a half  Argued with the author through the first chapter and a half of Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts. I'm trying to prepare myself to work with Traffick 911, and ready myself to talk with young ladies who have gone through more hurt than I can imagine. How do I tell them, "Yes. God saw everything that was being done to you, and He loves you"? How do I express that God is all-powerful and all-loving, yet allowed such evil to be done to them?

I was frustrated and questioning these truths, trying to wrestle with how God could allow what He does. If a police officer saw evil and could do something to stop it but did nothing; I would think he was a terrible policeman, and I'd be disgusted. Why should I excuse God?

Hosanna!*1


Yah yah, sin came into the world. Now there's evil. But, if He can stop it, why doesn't He...
(Job 33-35 is a great read for those of you who are saying, "Yah!" with me. "Why doesn't He?!")

Job 38:2 God's response to Job (and me): "Who is this that obscures My plans with words without knowledge?" ...40:2 "Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct Him? Let Him who accuses God answer Him!"
Job/me: 40:4 "I am unworthy -how can I reply to you? I put my hand over my mouth."
God: 40:8 "Would you discredit My justice? Would you condemn Me to justify yourself?"

Job/me: 42:3 "Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know."

Here I am, just a [wo]man, trying to reason out the ways of the Creator. And I've forgotten the most important truth of all.
"For God loved the people of this world so much that He sent His only Son here, so that whoever believes in Him, will not perish*2 but receive eternal life (John 3:16)."
How dare I think He doesn't care!
"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly (Romans 5:6)."

Jesus isn't sitting idly by, as I had falsely accused and ignorantly suggested. He came down out of His PERFECT home in heaven and lived with an imperfect family, and put up with messed up people, and let people kill him for something WE did. Why? 'Cause He loves us.
He can relate. He's working things out for good. He gives us nothing we can't handle. He's our Healer.

There's nothing the devil can do that He cannot restore. There will come a day of vengeance, when the devil will be put back in His place forever, and those who have believed in Jesus will live pain free forever, fully restored, clothed in white. This is not home. Not the way things are meant to be. But, that day will come. In the meantime, evil is real, but, our God is alive, and He's not sitting idly by.

"For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him (2 Chronicles 16:9)."

"The LORD is known by his acts of justice; the wicked are ensnared by the work of their hands (Psalm 9:16)."

"The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love (Psalm 33:5)."

"With all your heart you must trust the Lord and not your own judgment.
⁶ Always let him lead you, and he will clear the road  for you to follow.
⁷ Don’t ever think that you are wise enough, but respect the Lord and stay away from evil (Proverbs 3:5-7)."

“'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,'declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts' (Isaiah 55:8-9)."

1 

ho·san·na

   [hoh-zan-uh] interjection

1.

(an exclamation, originally an appeal to God for deliverance,used in praise of God or Christ.)

2 

per·ish

   [per-ish]  

verb (used without object)

1.

to die or be destroyed through violence, privation, etc.: toperish in an earthquake.

2.

to pass away or disappear: an age of elegance that has foreverperished.

3.

to suffer destruction or ruin: His valuable paintings perished inthe fire.

4.

to suffer spiritual death: Save us, lest we perish.

Hesitation

Tell me, why is it:
When he takes a step toward me,
I take a step back toward You.
he tells me he adores me.
I say I adore You.
I don't wanna fear this.
I want to enjoy it,
       and
           love
               again.
But, it's hard throwing pearls to men.

Guard it but, don't harden it.
My heart's a complicated thing.
Step by step please guide us.
In Your presence I can rest.
Don't want to withhold,
because of things done that are old.

Could he handle?
Would he judge?
Will we love without a grudge?

Love covers over a multitude of sins.
Your love is enough.
Don't want You to have to pry open my hands,
to give me a gift.
Will You just give me peace?
Or not, if I'm going amiss.


Dating again. Kind of a scary thing. But I realize that with God's help, I can do all things. His way this time. Learning from mistakes. Making no provision for the flesh. I want to live out love that's pure and take the devil by surprise. I've been inspired by Need to Breathe's, Looks Like Love, "I won't run when it looks like love. I won't hide beneath the fear of how the past has come undone. I won't run when it looks like love. 'Cause I can't spend another night alone regretting what I've done. So, I won't run." Also, Sara Grove's, Open My Hands, "He withholds no good thing from us...I will open my hands, will open my heart; I am nodding my head an emphatic yes to all that You have for me." I'm trying to get there.

Oh yes :) Ben Stuart's (from Breakaway Ministries) Podcast series on Song of Songs is great too. Best explanation of the book I've ever heard. Enjoy responsibly lol